I really want to write a “so bad it’s good” horror/science fiction movie for the Syfy Network. I love horror, I love B movies, and I love the idea of satire, so the idea that perhaps, someday, I could meld those three loves in a ménage à trois is incredibly appealing to me. I also want to do something decidedly different with my hypothetical movie. I want it to be self-aware. They say recent Syfy movies (like Sharknado) are self-aware and that they are poking fun at themselves. Yes, maybe in concept alone, but not literally. So I am here to pitch the first FULLY self-aware horror-comedy hybrid for the Syfy network. It is called Space Bears, and it is exactly as awesome as it sounds. I thought rather than write out some long-winded version of the story, the best way to do this would be for me to write out my opening scene, so you can all get a literal taste of what I am talking about. I’ll tell you right now, Space Bears has the chance to be a game-changer in the right hands. The Syfy Network ARE those hands.
(Scene opens up and we see a father and son, setting up a tent in the woods. The Dad is in his early fifties, bearded, and is wearing cliche’ camping gear so as to establish why he is in the woods. Fishing vest and such. Son is a teenager we will only hear referred to as Scott twice in the entire movie. Hair is dyed black with head half shaved, and he is oozing with angst. He is in jeans and a punk shirt to establish that this father-son camping weekend was forced on him).
Father: Son, could you pass me the spikes so I can secure the te…..
Son: Can you go to HELL?!!! (grimaces and kicks up dirt)
Father: Listen, Scott. I know you didn’t want come this weekend, but since the divorce, you and I just haven’t had time to….to…
Son: To WHAT Dad? BOND? (laughs and kicks up more dirt).
Father: Yes! Is that so wrong? That I want to have a relationship with my son?
Son: Listen Dad, (suddenly rage turns to emo pouting) you’ll never know my pain, okay? All I see is darkness all around. My life is like a repeating cycle of…..
(Suddenly, the two are interrupted by a giant meteorite, whizzing just feet overhead. The worse the special effects are here, the better. I am thinking maybe Microsoft paint and paint the meteor in, frame by frame?)
Father: Not to interrupt or undermine your monologue about how dark your suburban teenage life is, but did you see that?
Son: Holy crap, Dad, what WAS that ?!!! (kid suddenly has the innocence and wonder of a small child, though he has been a dick up to this point)
Father: I dunno Scott, but what do you say we go against all good logic and go check it out at dusk, unarmed, in the woods and by ourselves?
Son: Don’t worry, Dad, I’m a cutter, we got this (kid pulls out a pocket knife).
Father: I knew we didn’t Plan B you for a reason, son! Let’s go!
(Father puts arm around son to show audience that in the span of two minutes they seemed to work out all the kinks in their relationship, but son pushes his arm off, showing us it is NOT that easy. They begin to run towards the glowing green light that is emanating from the spot the meteorite landed. Which is to say, very conveniently, a mere two hundred yards from their camp site.
As they get closer, they can see that there is a big, cheesy looking rock with a smoke machine behind it, making it look all science fiction like. There also needs to be a super-lame “woosh woosh woosh” noise happening in this scene that all space-things used to make in old 50’s movies. They stop a few feet away in some bushes, obviously not hidden at all.)
Son: Jeez Dad, what do you think it is?
Father: Looks an AWFUL lot like a meteor to me. But we had better be careful, as I hear you can get cancer from those things. Just glad your awful mother isn’t here. You know how bears are about the female menses.
Son: Don’t talk crap about mom! Plus, you know she is too old for menses now, so it would not have posed a pro….wait, whoa, can you see THAT?! Something is coming out of it…..
(This will be our first introduction to the space bear, which is to say, a man in a bear suit with a lame, glowing green animation around him at all times. The bear comes out all our fours, and seems to cautiously sniff around for a moment, lulling us into a false sense of peace.)
Father: Wait a second? Did a bear just come out of that rock? *cheesily takes off hat and scratches head as if that will solve mystery. Maybe that is how bears are born? Do you know anything about bear-birthing? Is that normal?
Son: Dad, maybe all bears ARE born that way, I dunno. Are bears born from space-eggs? Wait, no, that makes no sense. And even if all bears were born that way, why is he glowing green?
Father: That might just be afterbirth, son. I have read about that stuff.
(Suddenly, bear stands up on all fours. Nothing spectacular, that is all. It just stands up. Want to audience to KNOW this is a man in a bear costume. Preferably Nic Cage, but completely understandable if that is not fiscally possible.)
Son: Do you think we are in danger right now, watching this thing from just a few feet away, whispering in a bush?
(Suddenly and without warning, we see the glowing green bear right next to the men. In a P.O.V shot, we see the bear from the viewpoint of the father as the bear swipes a glowing green claw at the screen. Even though the bear clearly makes no contact, in the next shot, we see the dad with three slash marks across his face. He falls to the ground, and inexplicably glows green for a second, then turns into a space bear right before his son’s eyes. This just means he goes from being a dude to being a dude in a bear suit, with a green glow. The transition between the two stages should be as awful as possible.)
Son: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!
(scream has to last four seconds, at least).
(Flash forward, we see Scott, the teenage son, talking to the police at the station. He, himself, is not a space bear, so we can assume he escaped, though we will never be given a reason how or why. The cop he is talking to, named Blake Hamfist, will be the same cop “Sheriff, detective, badass” character you see as the male lead in every Syfy movie. Not a very good looking guy, but the kinda guy who could easily get laid at spring break in Cancun, if you catch my drift. Tuft of short brown hair. Little bit of stubble. You know the type. The camera pans in on the middle of the conversation between him and Scott.)
Officer Hamfist: So what you are saying is, your dad and you were attacked by bears??? (seems to not get concept of the preceding conversation, which we did not witness up to this point)
Little Scotty Emo: No, Officer! *Slams hands on table. I am saying we were attacked by a SPACE BEAR, and right now, as we speak, they are multiplying…
(We will squeeze a dope title sequence in here that will look like it was programmed on a Tandy computer).
That is all I am giving out for now, kids. The idea here is that the movie will poke fun at the exact tropes that Syfy uses in all their films, but will do as homage. Hell, I haven’t even introduced the sassy female who works at the diner and who has feelings for Blake, but who is also torn between her duties as a single mother and waitress. She helps them along quite a bit against the space bears. Spoiler alert, there will be an awkward sex scene, and she WILL turn into a space bear that Blake HAS to kill at one point. But don’t worry, afterwards, Blake will do the right thing and look after her son who inexplicably has no real father that is ever mentioned. Blake will also take Scott under his wing, but this will lead to some stand-offs, as Scott is a whiny pussy and Blake is a Ca̶n̶a̶d̶i̶a̶n̶ ̶a̶c̶t̶o̶r̶ tough guy who won’t take kindly to that.
The story will also center on how Scott is tortured by the way he treated his Dad in the final moments of his dad’s life- pre-space-bear. But they will have a beautiful moment between them at the end of the movie, when his dad, in space bear form, will sacrifice himself to another space bear to save his son and for some reason, yell in English “I love you, son” as he does.
I will be honest, though. The movie will seem to end with all the space bears being killed off, only for the surviving characters to look up and see hundreds of space bear meteorites crashing towards Earth. The final shot will be Blake’s beaten, worn face saying, oh fu… and you will end the movie right there.
BAM.
Space Bears 2: Space Bear Sharks. They will be space bears who ride land sharks. See, I know what the f*ck I am doing here. Get back to me about this Syfy. Like, for real.
The rest of you, join my cult of REMlins over here. We will protect you from the bear sharks.
The post My Pitch For Syfy’s First Fully Self-Aware Movie: Space Bears appeared first on Remy Carreiro.
